RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
And we were poor, too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over,
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked
me as a son.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could......But he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him ...."Do you think we'll ever
find them? "He said..."I don't know kid ... there are so many places
they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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