All You Need to Know About Men
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the
bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can
learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that
is a combination address book, telescope and a piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough
to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.
Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two
types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm
so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or
more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he
a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly
theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get
tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie "THE WAY WE WERE" twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective:
"Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but
not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do
it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest
saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have
your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch,
you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other
side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is
for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men
emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help
us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheros. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight,
she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the
clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
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