How do men define a 50/50 relationship? They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts? because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' She replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
When I hear the word 'culture', I reach for my checkbook.
It is time for us men to acknowledge not only that women are vastly superior beings (that's easy) but also that they are - in every way that matters - our equals. That's hard.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.
Kids used to ask you where they came from - now they tell you where to go.
Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does.
These pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years.
If you didn't have problems, you wouldn't need people around to help solve them. Conversely, if you didn't have people around, maybe you wouldn't have problems.
A road map tells you everything except how to refold it.
Evil is 'live' spelled backwards. Enjoy living!
Before you met any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream 'Imposter!'
'I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.'
Nothing is quite so annoying to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

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