A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

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