To: Faculty, Staff, & Everyone
From: XYZ Director
Dated: MM/DD/YY
RE: New Sick Leave Policy

It has been brought to my attention that the attendance record of this department is a disgrace to our gracious benefactor, who at your own request, has given you your job. Due to your lack of consideration for your job with so fine a university, as shown by such frequent absenteeism, it has become necessary for us to revise some of our policies. The following CHANGES are in effect as of today.

SICKNESS: (No Excuses)We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as a proof of your sickness. We believe that if you are able to go the doctor, you are able to come to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For an Operation)We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may have for an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything remove. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than what we have bargained for.

DEATH: (Other than your own)This is no excuse ... there is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend and do the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will glad to let you off, one hour early, provided your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

DEATH: (your own)This will be accepted as an excuse only with this condition that you would give us a two week notice. We feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job before you leave.

ALSO: Entirely too much time being spent in the rest room. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 9:00 to 9:15, "B" will go from 9:15 to 9:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your schedule time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.


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