Pre-Relationship Agreement
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind
and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second
part (herein referred to as him)
FULL DISCLOSURE
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully
disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange
political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else
that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known
any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical
obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these
disclosures will result in the immediate termination of
said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both parties agree to hold the person who
arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
"psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean:
My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda
Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn
Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up"
both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology
in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both
parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor
states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days
said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by
third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of
the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend"
or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple".
Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman,"
"the old ball and chain,"or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both
members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if
either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other
party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and
may once again be said to be "on the market."
TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree
not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights,
or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will
be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's
time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party"
agrees to "give up".
DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the
couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will
be made between the two parties during the working
day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of
the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be
made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both
parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal"
and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their
normal personalities.
TERMS OF PAYMENT
It is agreed that - respective gross income aside -
"we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts
until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep
my own apartment?" codicil)
Should said relationship progress to the point
where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort
shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd
remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having
their mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and both agree to "pick up after
himself" while in residence at the her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same
token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD
For the first three months, each member of the
couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases
like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using
archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees
to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his
parents.
THE "L" WORD
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use
the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts,
or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by
one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G"
word... "Gone."
GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that
same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member
should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other
party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .
DECLARATION OF STRENGTH
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to
make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in at
the proper time.)
MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice
before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1)both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks,
sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with
all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2)each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours
before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3)both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a
period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further
consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the
breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
ADDENDUM
After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties
agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
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